Golliwotalie – [Fearsome Critter]

Description

Golliwotalie – [Fearsome Critter] – aka: ‘Golliwotally’ – Latin: (Uredo Solaris Lardum.) 

• About this critter: An extraordinary animal reported out of Verona, Wisconsin; said to live in the mountainsides & prairies towards Sockton Kansas. It was described as being shaped roughly like a 5ft long hog, with consistent, crispy, sun burnt red skin, sharp incisor teeth (longer than 2 inches, sometimes false.) The powerful fore-claws of a bear and floppy hind webbed feet and legs of a duck. – The Females nested by turning prairies dog holes upside-down/inside out to shade themselves & their 13-23 pale newborns from the blaring sun.  When threatened, the creature & its young would cover themselves in cacti, defending themselves as porcupines do! If there was no cactus about, then the group would leap into the nearest dust storm or cyclone and ‘swim to safety’ using its huge duck like flippers! – The creatures ‘Flame-red skin’ was caused both by the heat of the sun, hot winds and a natural diet typically consisting mostly of Buffalo-chips and Cinchbugs, they would also suck on large hailstones to quench their thirst. Their skins would apparently turn a marvellous shade of cold blue when the temperature dropped in the winter giving it a natural camouflage, seeing a red one during that time was rare but certainly a sight to behold! – With the decline of the American Buffalo population, the starving creatures eventually turned to eating what poultry they could snatch from the ranchers, as such, Farmers would shoot at them on sight. – (We can assume that the population eventually went extinct without an ample supply of ‘buffalo-chips!’) Despite this critters disgusting diet, it gave their crispy flesh a delicious nutty flavouring which was more pronounced than Sweetnut Bacon!!

• Origin: This creature of dubious repute was reported just three times across various wisconsin and kansas newspapers in Febuary of 1936. [Below is the last of the 3 articles which i could find [1][2][3]] – Though according to one source; supposedly, the story was earliest reported on by “Graham’s Main Street Wild Animal Editor.” (Unfortunately, as of writing I am unable to locate such a publication or person, nor any earlier record of the story prior to February of that year. (but for those few future scholars that might like to search “Graham” likely refers to Graham county, Kansas.) – The article generally goes as such:

Freak Creature Add Tall Tales

VERONA–  An extraordinary animal, which for some time past has been causing farmers heavy losses of poultry has been shot. Of a flame-red color, the creature was about five-feet long, shaped roughly like a pig, with forefeet like a bear and hind feet like a duck. Its incisor teeth were over two inches long, Where upon “Just Buck” qualifies as a full-fledged professor. of Unnatural History by adding to the above description, headed “It’s a Golliwotalie”, this: The animal described in the news dispatch is a golliwotalie a corruption of the Indian name “duck hair” –  an animal long believed extinct. Back in my childhood days these animals ran wild in droves in the Kansas mountains near Stockton.

They ate nothing except buffalo chips and chinchbugs and sucked hailstones to quench their thirst. The femals made their dens -in old prairie dog holes, turned upside to keep the sun off the young, who were all born young and white. Being prolific breeders, as the buffalo decreased, the females resorted to a systematic birth control, killing off -every other one of their offspring, retaining only from thirteen to twenty-three – always odd numbers – because they couldn’t keep even. The diet mentioned gave their meat a delicious flavor, more pronounced even than sweetnut bacon. They were difficult game to secure, for as the sun hit them they turned to a bright red color, and were very difficult to distinguish at a distance from the native redskin or his white brother whose hide had been burned either by the hot winds or by too close contact with a land shark.

When approached by a hunter, a drove of golliwotalies would be warned by an old male sentinel, who would rap his tail on a dry buffalo chip and hoot like an owl. Immediately each golliwotalle would reach out with its long bearlike forepaws and grab a bunch of cactus spines, which they stuck into their hides for protection, like a porcupine. If no cactus was available, the drove would rapidly dive into the closest cyclone or dust storm, using those handy webbed hind feet to swim to safety. D The reporter that gave the golliwotalie those big front teeth, though, is just plain used liar or else they, are false–and only when necessary to masticate substitutes for their natural food. But finding a red one, right in the dead of winter, is actually marvelous, as all I’ve ever seen always turned blue with the cold. -Publisher’s Auxiliary.

I feel it important to mention; in this context “Buffalo Chips” actually refers to ‘chips of dried cow dung’ and certainly not delicious potato chips. (nor chips literally made out of buffalo Jerkey!) I think the intended confusion between the two was likely “the joke” perhaps a way to haze readers that wouldn’t be privy to the difference. (also, while on the topic of cow-&-food-related-‘hazing’/food jokes done down south; one should also use caution when accepting offers of -“Rocky Mountain Oysters” & of course refuse any offers of “Cow-pies.” ) In this same breath; I must also digress, I think the creatures name which is an incredibly obvious pun (especially when spoken phonetically aloud) “Golly-what-a-lie” – Indeed!! (its almost too on the nose, i think its meant to be read as “Golly-wot-ally”)  That’s all that really needs to be said about this one; there’s a reason it didn’t ‘stick’ and the ‘legend’ was gradually forgotten about. ‘Til today that is. >;)

That said; the critter is not without its folkloric parallels: Seeing as it is yet another critter that suffers from its own natural anatomy/lifestyle, it reminds me greatly of both the Squonk (another pig-like critter who literally melts into a puddle of tears when you capture it) and the Hugag. (a massive forest beast which cannot bend its legs, its diet causes it warts which cause its flesh to itch…) There are a number of others critters that cause themselves harm as well, but their names escape me at the moment. Also; The fact it exclusively attacks poultry farmers, reminds me of the El Chupacabra (who would not appear til decades later… I really should get around to covering it soon!)

On the topic of ‘fun animal factoids which some city folk may not realize’  in reality; the reason why piggy’s like to wallow around in mud so much; is to cool themselves down! Most do not naturally sweat; (That’s right; the phrase to “sweat like a pig” is closer to a myth than anything!) The mud layer they create works well; acting as an effective natural sunscreen & coolant! (…As they say in every myth; there is a little bit of truth!)

…Unrelated to what I’ve mentioned so thus far but also the mentioned “Duck Hair” is also something curious that i recall getting mentioned once in a while between various obscure Critters from the time, perhaps its another critter? – but, as of writing, I have absolutely no clue what exactly it might be referring to! [Further research into the topic sadly brings up nothing of relevance.] if something later comes to light or if there is another critter to be found, I’ll definitely come back and update this section later.

[Art sticker by samkalensky, part of my fearsome critters collection of stickers! support and follow for many more :)]